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A change. That's what I needed. Things weren't working. For me, as a mom. Change was in order. Easy said... not so easy done.
I look back on the notes in my devotional from a few years back and become increasingly grateful for the encouragement I got that year. For the motivation to change. For the continued changes in all aspects of my life that have come about as a result of one single change for the better.
A few years back, around this same time of year, I joined a bible study at church with a fabulous group of women. We were a diverse group. New mommas with littles upstairs in the nursery. Mid-process mommas with tweens and teens and college kids. Experiences mommas with grands and great-grands to cuddle and snuggle, spoil and send back to their young mommas. The perfect mix. And we did a devotional that would open up all of our eyes to our lives and how we were living out this gift God blessed us with when he chose to put us on this earth.
I knew I was a wreck, but I didn't know it. Ya know? I thought I was doing all the right things, being involved at church. Staying home with the kiddos, who at the time were three and almost one. "Aha!" you say. THAT stage in life. Yes. THAT stage. Get out and go join a moms group! Join another at church! Do playdates! Do all that you can to engage yourself in mom-culture while stimulating the social side of your children!
But doing all that I could was undoing me. And some of the "relationships" I was in were undoing me.
In the course of that Bible study I realized I wasn't getting what I wanted from my groups and interactions.
I wanted something more.
I needed more.
I deserved more.
Before you get all judgy on me, think about this. We all want, need and deserve things. Being deserving of something to fill your cup isn't being selfish. By filling your own cup, you can fill to overflowing the cups of others!
As we studied more, I realized I didn't just want, need and deserve more. I was motivated to do something about it. Now that's something. When you hit the point where wishing and hoping turns into planning and doing. I said it out loud in that Bible study. I said I wanted to start a study group for moms. Focused on moms and digging deep. Getting into stuff. All the stuff. Fun stuff, messy stuff, sad and lonely and tired and scared stuff. "Nobody knows this but I need to get it out" kind of stuff. But it had to be a safe place. A friendly place. A non-judgy place.
That was the start. The first step. I pushed back from the other commitments and said "no, thank you". Then I called on my supportive and motivating friends to help me out. I needed help to make it work and I knew that. Getting help isn't my strong suit, ya'll. So again, that was big. I guess it became a year of bigs for me.
Big realization.
big motivation.
big growth.
big change.
As I now lead my Tuesday Morning Book Study Group (Intended for the Female Parental Persuasion) in the study of that very devotional that led me to where I am today I read the notes from a few years ago. And I realize the change. I'd forgotten where I was and how I was feeling then. I was worn out in so many ways. I was downtrodden and lifeless. Tired. Weak. Not me.
Today I make new notes in that devotional notebook. Some of the notes are the same... I mean I am still a version of that person. I couldn't change ALL of me, for heaven's sake!! But I make notes that tell me I'm finally in the early stages of that good place we all want to find ourselves in someday, somehow.
I'm leading my dream church-based book study. The ladies described it a while back as crazy, sweet, supportive, strong, beautiful, spirit-filled, encouraging, open, honest, positive, refreshing, affirming, inclusive and uplifting. If that isn't a wonderful description of a group of women, I don't know what is.
Each new member of the group gets a welcome letter on her first day. This paragraph explains it best:
Not only do we study the selected book each semester, but we develop deep, meaningful relationships with each other. We laugh together, cry together and most importantly we pray together and for each other. We bring our hearts, souls and minds to this group and bare them wide open to the group for support and understanding.
Then they sign this:
I, ____________________, come into this
group with the full intention of sharing with, caring for, loving and
supporting my fellow sisters in Christ. I will maintain the integrity of the
group and allow myself to be wrapped in the loving arms of my sisters without
fear or concern.
How awesome is that?
The change that I made by putting the "other stuff" to rest and starting my own thing, to fill my cup and others all at the same sitting has led to more and more and more goodness in my life. More things that make me happy and strong and good.
I started to focus on my physical well-being and I love that part of my life now. Nearly every day of the week I do a workout that pushes my limits of physical and mental strength. And I am happy.
Recently I started writing again. For the first time since college. There are no words to describe how it makes me feel to put fingers to keyboard again. To let the words and thoughts flow and the imagination to work. I'm loving it so very, very much. I'm thankful for the gift God has blessed me with. And I'm happy.
Today the notes I put in my devotional workbook are more positive. I'm learning to focus on the necessary and the good and the positive for my life. To cut out the rest. To do the things that fill my cup so I can fill the cups of others. And I'm happy.
Find your happy.
Realize.
Motivate.
Grow.
Change.
Find your happy.
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