Stepping Back

Sometimes we have to step back a bit to see the whole picture. To see what others see.

A few weeks back I sat in my Wednesday morning bible/book study listening to every member's "hopes". Hopes for their children, their marriages and their life paths.

"I hope we have instilled the proper values in our son so that when he goes to high school next fall he can handle the difficult issues that will come his way."

"I hope that I have a marriage that will stand the test of time and we will forever be in love. That we will someday celebrate our 56th wedding anniversary."

"I hope that my children realize their passions and share them with us. And that we, in turn, encourage, nourish, develop and stand next to them in those dreams."

"I hope that the surgery was successful and my spouse can live a life without chronic, constant pain."

"I hope that I can hear God speak to me about the path I should be on. The path where my work-life and home-life balance should settle."

"I hope my husband makes a career move that will bring him joy and happiness."

"I hope that tonight bedtime won't be a battle... again."

We all have hopes and dreams and desires and wishes. We wish upon birthday candles and shooting stars. But all of our wishing is nothing without faith in God. Without the trust that he is guiding our paths perfectly.

I've written about this group of women in the past. These women who are so full of hopes and fears for themselves and others. This group who meets weekly in the basement of the church, sharing brunch, prayer requests and discussions of our selected book. This group whom I sometimes think I'm done leading. Then they come to me with their hearts in their hands. They tell me what I need to hear first-hand. What I need to know to continue on that path that God is guiding me down.

One year ago I made the announcement, "I'm done." I was done leading book study. Attendance was low, enthusiasm seemed to be waning (mine and theirs) and I was tapped out. Summer came and I relaxed, enjoyed the lake and sunshine and prepared for a fall semester without my weekly group. And I was both relieved, excited and sad. Then the messages started to come in. Emails, PM's, texts, phone calls... "please come back..." "please do another semester..." "Please, please, please..." so I went back. And it was once again amazing.

15 (+/-) women.
Three of whom are members of the church we meet in.
Catholics, Baptists, Lutherans, non-denominational, no-denomination.
The solid-in-faith and the confused.
The life-long believer and the scared.
The looking-for-answers and a place to fit in.
Together we are all those things.

Prayer requests you wouldn't believe could all be carried by one group of women. Cancer. More cancer. And even more. Life with kids. Car accidents with long-term effects. School pickup drama. Surgeries. Chronic pain issues. Crazy family members. Marriage issues. Deaths. Infant deaths. Cancer again and again. Over and over. This group has been through it all, known those going through it all and has prayed and prayed and prayed over all those things week in and week out. Prayer requests are central to our meetings. They bind us through our openness. Through our raw emotions, tears, laughter, joy, sorrow, fear and praise.

But sometimes I forget. Sometimes I don't realize how much those moments mean to everyone each week. Sometimes I get tired and cranky and need a break. I can see summer coming around the corner and I'm ready for it. And I think I'm done. I'm tapped out. Again.

But this time I knew better. This time I asked these fascinating ladies to bare their hearts again. To write me a note. Not about me personally but about the group. About what it means to them. About why this group should come back in the fall. The response?

"This group is one of the greatest blessings in my life."

"The bond that I have made with the women in this group has been life-changing. It has been an incredible light to my life."

"...you all have been my saving grace this year. It's an answer to my prayers."

"My faith has grown stronger because of this group."

"It (the group) has made me more comfortable to share my faith with other people."

"This group makes me laugh, cry, feel my faith, think and grow spiritually."

"This group has really made my transition here so easy."

"This group has been a life-saver. It is so nice to have people to share my prayer requests or worries with and ask advice without judgement."

"I was in a funk this morning and coming here always helps get me out."

"I enjoy learning about faith, knowing that I am not the only one with doubts, and having others to relate to."

Prior to these notes you would think the knowledge that one of our pastor-visit sessions led to the baptism of a baby and the consideration of baptism for one of our ladies would be enough to seal the deal for me this year. But I needed more. I needed the notes. I needed the knowledge that there was a difference being made in those individual lives. That there was a void being filled and a desire to grow in faith.

This group doesn't need me, I'm just a facilitator. What they need is the entire group. We are a package deal. We come as a whole, with spaces for more hearts and minds and bodies to join us any day they are so moved. Ladies that have an empty spot in their hearts that can't be filled without help.

I needed to step back and see the whole picture.

The picture God has painted of my path he has planned for me. It took tears and heart-felt words from a dear friend, "God is working through you! He has this planned for you!" and notes from my ladies for me to realize the significance of the role God placed me in for this season of life.

I just needed to step back and look.

I Cried Over You

A: "You don't cry, do you?"
Me : "Not much, no."

She said those words to me months ago, and since then I've held back tears and I've let them loose. I've cried over her, next to her, for her and with her. In silence and in prayers. In her presence and absence. More tears than she can imagine would come from me... the woman who doesn't cry... much.

Last August, on a typical Friday morning, the three of us gathered around the kitchen counter for coffee while the littles played a bit. Not out of the ordinary for the three of us. As we were wrapping things up and getting ready to go about our days the words that crossed her lips will never be forgotten... "I found a lump, that's why I have to go to the Dr. today. That's why we have to wrap this up early today." 

And she went. And they did a mammogram. And they did a biopsy. And the results kept coming and the news kept changing. And the tears kept flowing. Tears of fear. Tears of frustration. Tears of love and joy and more fear. Tears for her. Tears for her husband. Her boys. Her parents and siblings and family and friends. So many friends. So many good people who were about to pour out blessings on this precious lady. So many blessings that only a few weeks into this journey she would say to me, "Why is everyone being so good to me? Why do I deserve this more than someone else? Why?" 

"Because you are a special light to so many. Because good people are drawn to good people and YOU are good people. Because we love you."

Yesterday I didn't cry. I know S did. She always cries. She's a crier. She cries enough for both of us. So she cried those tears of joy when the message came. The best message. The message we've been praying for since September. "I am technically cancer-free... Praise God for this!"

Today I wanted to cry. Tears of joy and amazement at God's good grace. Because these were the words her little boy said to me, with the most sparkle and zest I've seen from him in months (and that's saying a LOT, this kid is zesty, let me tell you!) He said to us all...

"Did you know my mom's cancer is gone? That she's cancer-free!? MY MOM IS CANCER FREE YOU GUYS!!!" 

And the whoops and hollers and cheers and celebrations that came from the three kids in the back of my van made me want to pull over on the street and pull them all to me and cry big, fat, ugly, joyful, praise-fill crocodile tears. Because only one of those kids belongs to her... but all three of them love her fiercely. She's lovable, this lady who just beat cancer. This warrior who has a long road of recovery ahead, but who has the biggest cheering section I've ever seen.

I'm not a cryer, but today's eruption of joy still pushes me to the edge of tears. Don't ask me to talk to you right now or they'll spill out all over my keyboard. It'll be messy. So just don't... because I don't (want to) cry.

One week ago this morning I held this lady in my arms as she prepared herself to go in for surgery. And I said to her, "I'm so excited for you today. This is an amazing day for you." 
And we took a selfie.
And I didn't cry... much. (Just a little dewiness in the corners of the eyes, ya know?)

Then I watched as her oldest cried big crocodile tears and sobbed on his mommas shoulder, knowing where her day was taking her. And my dew-drops grew, but not too much. They let each other go and we walked out the door for school. And I said to that little boy the only words I could find, "This is a great day for your mom. This is going to be amazing and I am excited for her. It's ok to be scared, but this is really a great thing!" 

Then I went straight to S's house and we prayed and we cried and we chatted and we knew God is good. So good. Because we are part of Ashli's Army of Prayer Warriors. And that day we prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Throughout the day we prayed for peace, comfort, healing and for Ashli's freedom from cancer. So very many prayed that day.

So to hear Big B exclaim today, with SO much excitement and happiness, those words we've prayed for...

"Did you know my mom's cancer is gone? That she's cancer-free!? MY MOM IS CANCER FREE YOU GUYS!!!" 

Well,

I cried over you.

Crazy Keeps Me Sane

I'm a sucker. It's stamped on my forehead. Put me under a blacklight and you'll see it.

Birthday cakes? No problemo.

Kid-watch? Sure thing. (If your kid isn't a pain, and even sometimes when she is.)

Water your plants while you are on vacation? My pleasure!

Chair the fundraiser auction? You betcha! 

Two years in a row? What's one more year!

Oversee the annual float for the town celebration? Whoop! Whoop! 

Work with you to grow your business? I'm here for ya, sista! 

Run the place while you are on vacation? I can handle that. 

Before you dial my digits for a solid, know this: I'm only a sucker for my friends and family.

I do these things out of love. Out of a desire to participate. Out of a willingness to help and make a difference when and where needed. 

Almost three years ago a dear friend I call Crazy told me of a little plan she had. A plan for a business. A plan for a great business that would be amazing in our city. She's not Crazy because she's loco en la cabeza, she's Crazy because she's always doing. Doing, doing, doing. I'm not sure she knows what the insides of her home or her eyelids look like. Honestly. 

That craziness makes her a great friend too. Why? Because she is always up for anything. And so is her hubs. She dressed them up as Elsa and Kristoff for Halloween 2014. Nobody dresses up for our party except kids. Halloween 2015? All the cool adults dressed up. Star Wars theme for most and then there's the new neighbor who purchased a kids-sized gorilla costume for himself, a full-sized man. Hi-larious. Why were all the middle-aged kids dressed for candy collecting? You guessed it. Crazy said so! 

Call them on Friday afternoon to go out that night? Most often you'll get a "Yes! What should we do!?" response. And no matter what you end up doing with the night, they have joy and humor the entire time. They are amazing people. 

So when she hatched this plan for a business I was ready to be supportive. 100%. 

"Great idea!" 

"You'll be so successful!" 

"Let me know if you need mailings and flyers."

And when she said, "Would you be one of our tour guides? You'll love it!" I hesitated and said, "If you find yourself really hard-up for help, let me know!" and smiled. 

And when she called and said "I have a tour I need you to help with." I swallowed my hesitations and fears and said "What's the date?"

And you know what? Crazy was right. I loved it. And somehow I'm no longer strictly a tour guide, but I've snuck into another role. A position with a title that rests next to "Owner's Friend". I'm currently living the stay-at-home mom dream of working part-time from a home office... and doing it in yoga pants if I please. Sure there are days when I snag an event for myself, get all gussied up and lead a tour group of company execs just for the sake of fun. Because I really am in love with my job.

What is this dream job? I'm living it up as the Tours & Events Manager for Omaha Culinary Tours. That's right, food tours. Like five different restaurant/specialty shoppe stops in a three hour tour. All serving you their specialty menu item. What's not to love? A little local area history, an amazing tour guide and a variety of Omaha Original Restaurants. Bam! You have yourself an evening of fun and food!

So day-to-day I shuttle kids, do favors for friends and work a little on the side for Crazy. With Crazy. I'm becoming a little bit crazy myself as I get deeper and deeper into this exciting business. And as I do, I realize how sane this job is keeping me. It gives me a focus and consistency and reliability and a sense of accomplishment. I'm appreciated and that feels so good.

I recently went to Crazy with the fact that C-dub, the little, is going to start Kindergarten in the fall... My baby!!! **tears, sobs,**... I digress... and I needed to either
a) get more hours from the company
or
b) look elsewhere for a job
in anticipation of the date when my nest is empty for seven hours a day. (August 12, 2016.)

(Eeeek!! I like love my job! I don't want a job elsewhere! ...deep breaths...)

Accommodating.
That's the word for Crazy and her business partner... they came up with two ways to keep me and get me the hours I need and maintain my ability to drop off & pick up kids from school, to be the party parent, to be there on sick days and for field trips.
Sanity with the crazy = LOVE!

So for now I'll keep on keepin' on with the hours I have, setting up walking tours and bus tours and finding the perfect fit for a corporate group's private event. I'll contact restaurants and bus companies. Write scripts for tour guides and order cupcake desserts and Cordial Cherries. Pick up kids from school and take care of them when they are sick. On occasion I'll load up a group on a shuttle bus and take them to some of Omaha's finest restaurants. I'll keep my own level of crazy going and in it I'll find sanity.

On a daily basis I'm in love with this new gig I've let myself be "suckered" into. Because doing so keeps me sane.

Crazy keeps me sane. 

164 Days and Counting

Another calendar into the circular file. Its only been there a handful of days, but I'm still finding myself screaming for summer.

June 20. First day of summer 2016. For reals.

H-O-T. Lazy days on the lake. Swimming, fishing, tubing, kayaking, camping, stand-up-paddleboarding, laying in the sun doing nothing. That's what I told the 7 year-old last night as we snuggled and dreamed of life 164 long days from now. (Today is January 8, adjust accordingly dear reader.)

Laying in the sun doing nothing. Do you want know what my little philosopher said about that? "That's not possible mom. You would be doing something. You would be laying in the sun. It's not possible to do nothing. Ever."

I did not argue. If she wants to tell me I'm "doing something" by laying in the sun, soaking up God's goodness and warmth and nature's beauty well, by gosh, I'm going to go with it. So that's where you'll find us this summer. In the sun. Doing.

Yesterday I was treated to an AM coffee session with a wildly versatile friend. Versatile in that she can be serious and spiritual and honest, but she can take a 1/4 turn and be sassy pants and hilariously inappropriate. I love that about her. We chatted about our church book study. We chatted about the kids and life. Then we chatted about summer. Because, I said it once, I'm screaming for it. She scoffed at the absurdity of my passion as she pointed out the window to the grey, slushy, dreariness that is Nebraska in January. But she didn't stop there, she pointed out the number of months before summer actually hits our front doors. Thanks for that, sassy pants.

This little convo over my iced frappe (yes, I realize that's a summer drink... have you heard a thing I've said so far???) led me to spout nonsense that others were sure to snicker over as they cupped their hot coffee mugs. I made a plan for the summer. Plans for fun and carefree days.



1. We will have a pool in our back yard.
Inflatable? Yes.
Manufacturers Max Capacity of 5? Yes.
Backyard Real Life Capacity of 10? For Sure.
Fun? Hell yes!

2. We will have the slip n' slide & the bounce house out.

3. We will have backyard parties, cookouts and sleepovers.

4. We will go to the "real" pool 1x/week or more.

5. We will hang out in the yard and read books.

6. We will have friends over.

7. We will go camping.




















8. We will build backyard forts.

9. We will...

WE WILL!!! We will do what summer is meant for! This...

And the time frame for all this "doing?" This year we get **Hallelujah** 12.5 weeks. TWELVE AND A HALF weeks of summer vaca!! The school calendar writers must have kids in school this year because we start a full week and a half LATER than usual!!!

You can blame my summer fever on Husband. He gave me a SUP (Stand Up Paddleboard) for Christmas. Christmas, ya'll. December. Five solid months prior to lake weather. Because my birthday is in the middle of July... then I would have missed out on a month and a half of the season. He was thoughtful on this one. Except for the "summer fever" part of the deal. He can't help it. He didn't know.

So, my dear friends, while you are busy sipping hot cocoa, making your New Year's Resolutions, going on a diet and vowing to work out I'll be over here planning my summer.

Only 164 days to go...