Winning at Losing

I readily admit this is a bummer of a posting, but it's real and honest and something to which I'm certain most honest women can relate. 

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Between being a mom and being a wife, I'm winning at losing. If there aren't unwashed, unfolded, unironed clothes and unwashed, unputaway dishes, there are unplayed games, unread books and unwatched lookatme's. It makes me feel a lot of feels. Sad. Disappointed. Disappointing. That's the one. Disappointing. I'm certain I'm disappointing everyone on a daily basis. That makes me a winner at losing. See me being positive? 

I know you know exactly what I'm saying to you. If you're a mom and/or wife you feel it too. The sink and the laundry hampers get to overflowing while the games are being played and books are being read. Then the kids get "neglected" while the shirts get ironed and the floors get vacuumed. The hubs' co-workers have to fix his shirt collar when we walks into work because the wife didn't pay enough attention when he left that morning. The daughter's backpack didn't get unpacked and looked at until before school this morning and the snowflakes we were going to make last night are on the table... still full sheets of paper resting next to scissors and good intentions. 

I feel bad when I go to bed at night and think of all these things. I spent endless minutes and sometimes hours before going to sleep thinking of all the ways I failed that day and how tomorrow is another new shot at redemption and a chance at being a good parent for a day. I plan to play games, bake cookies, read stories, color pictures, do crafts and be a good mom. A mom whose sole focus for that day is kids. No laundry, no dishes, no vacuuming, no grocery shopping, no... No. No. NOTHING but kids. And I fail again. The best laid plans...

Do you know when I feel the worst? This is so odd to me... on the weekends. When the hubs is home. Home playing with the kids while I'm accomplishing the cleaning and washing and ironing and putting awaying. And I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty that I didn't get it done before the weekend. I feel bad that he works hard all week and then can't get 10 minutes to himself on the weekend. I know he loves it. I hear the giggles from the basement as I scrub the kitchen floor and clean up empty glasses of milk from all over the house. I also know he'd love a few hours to just do "his thing" on the weekends.

Again, I feel guilty and disappointing.

So I pick up and tidy up and clean and wash and launder and so on and then I lay down and once again wonder where the day went and how I didn't spend time with the kids. Sure, I helped Ella put together a Lego set and played Cassius' new game with him a few hundred times. But beyond that, I didn't spend much time with them, did I? And when they were in the same room I was nagging at them to put away their shoes, throw away their trash, clean up their messes and wash their hands. 

And tonight when I go to bed I'll think again about all the things I should be doing with my family. 
-Writing in the kids' journals on a regular basis. (More often than every six months.)
-Writing in the hubs' journal on a regular basis. (More regularly than every year.)
-Practicing school activities with both kids.
-Reading books
-Being a good parent by listening and interacting and using the fruits of the spirit: 
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self-Control. 
 Whew! Those are numerous, aren't they? 

So I'm going to make a plan for myself. A plan unlike all my other plans from the past. One that balances the household duties with what should be the joys of parenthood. A plan I can employ with regularity until it becomes second nature. A plan that leaves me and my family fulfilled. 

Love - Love them fully and unconditionally. Have compassion and give grace.
Joy - Be more joyous. Avoid anger, frustration, disappointment and sadness by being conscious of my words before speaking them. Be joy-filled. 
Peace - Be a peace maker and a peace keeper. An example of peace.
Patience - Have some. Incorporate it daily. Be aware of its value and necessity. Be mindful of its positive impact. (Lord, grant me extra help with this one, and no, not in the way where you offer me opportunities to use it.)
Kindness - Use kind words. Display kindness through my words and actions.
Goodness - Be good. Good to my family and good to myself. Get those workouts done and the healthy foods eaten. Be good to my family by following all of these accompanying "fruits".
Gentleness - Gentle words. Gentle voice. Gentle touch. I'm going to throw compassion in with this one for good measure.
Faithfulness - Displaying my faithfulness more readily for my family. Personally I'll be better at daily interactions with the Lord, be they devotions, meditations or prayers.
Self-Control - Control over my thoughts, words and actions. From responses to irritating events to the foods I put in my mouth. Self-control will be a struggle for this momma.

So while I'm planning to become a less disappointing self, I'm being realistic too. I'm realizing I'm a bit harder on myself than anyone else is. Nobody else seems to mind the unwashed dishes or the unfolded clothes. They are happy to dress each morning out of a laundry basket. They are happy to have me. And every once in a while they let me know it...

"You are the best. You are awesome. Love Ella"

That's when I feel all the feels that are good. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness... and I know that I'm winning for sure.