It isn't often you can walk into a room full of women and feel comfortable. It isn't often you can vocalize prayer requests and find yourself immersed in a 20-minute "therapy" session. It isn't often that you feel the love of other women so powerfully you know you can call on any of them for a shoulder to cry on, a meal for the freezer or a special confidant concerning your marriage, weight, insecurities or other social maladies.
Not everyone is as blessed as I am to have a group of women to meet with every Tuesday morning. Freshly showered, full makeup and fancy clothes 100% optional. Sweats, yoga pants, skirts, jeans, dresses and tank tops. Our group is a varied as our outfits... and we love it that way. We are being the best "me" we can be and we are all loved by one another for being just that. Our own best self. Scared, tired, overwhelmed, successful or brave.
This month we dive into a brand new study. Something out of the ordinary for us. A challenge. A challenge to be Brave and Honest.
Brave: Honest Questions Women Ask by Angela Thomas is going to open your eyes to your own life. It will build solidly on the list of dreams you made this past session. It will lead you to places you may have not yet realized you wish to go.
This bible study was the origin of the Tuesday Morning Book Study Intended for the Female Parental Persuasion. Also affectionately known as the Tuesday Morning Group, Book Study Group and Mom's Group. Whatever you call it, this study was the start. The inception. The realization. The spark that lit the fire.
Several years ago I was stressed, worn out, had a thorn in my side and a deep and burning desire for "more". What I was doing wasn't working for me and it showed. I realized I needed to make a change.
I
knew I was a wreck, but I didn't know it. Ya know? I thought I was doing
all the right things, being involved at church. Staying home with the
kiddos, who at the time were three and almost one. "Aha!" you say. THAT
stage in life. Yes. THAT stage. Get out and go join a moms group! Join
another at church! Do playdates! Do all that you can to engage yourself
in mom-culture while stimulating the social side of your children!
But doing all that I could was undoing me. And some of the "relationships" I was in were undoing me.
In the course of that Bible study I realized I wasn't getting what I wanted from my groups and interactions.
I wanted something more.
I needed more.
I deserved more.
Before you get all judgy on me, think about this. We all want, need and deserve things.
Being deserving of something to fill your cup isn't being selfish. By
filling your own cup, you can fill to overflowing the cups of others!
As
we studied more, I realized I didn't just want, need and deserve more. I
was motivated to do something about it. Now that's something. When you
hit the point where wishing and hoping turns into planning and doing. I
said it out loud in that Bible study. I said I wanted to start a study
group for moms. Focused on moms and digging deep. Getting into
stuff. All the stuff. Fun stuff, messy stuff, sad and lonely and tired
and scared stuff. "Nobody knows this but I need to get it out" kind of
stuff. But it had to be a safe place. A friendly place. A non-judgy
place.
That
was the start. The first step. I pushed back from the other commitments
and said "no, thank you". Then I called on my supportive and motivating
friends to help me out. I needed help to make it work and I knew that.
Getting help isn't my strong suit, ya'll. So again, that was big. I
guess it became a year of bigs for me.
Big realization.
Big motivation.
Big growth.
Big change.
So here we are, three years later, and I'm excited to take you into this study. To see where it leads you. To see what Brave thing you will be inspired to do with your fits and talents!
Dear Lord,
May the study of this devotional bring all of us a fresh understanding of our roles in this life you hav blesssed us with. Help us to recognize what is wearing us out and how to change that worn out feeling. Help us to open our eyes to you and the rest that you have promised when we put our hope in you.
Amen
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Monday, October 27, 2014
Lack of Style
My dearest friend from babyhood asked me to consider writing about "helicopter parenting". Hah! I don't have a parenting style, how could I possibly consider writing about parenting styles?
Ask your parents and grandparents what their parenting "style" was and they'll probably laugh and ask when parenting gained style. Don't we do what works for our kids? Shouldn't we do that at least? I don't know about yours, but my kids are two completely different styles of children. They require variation in parenting methods. My husband is writing in his blog, Midwestern Father, about how some of the tactics we employ with our kids have to be tweaked per the child. (Wait for that blog post, it isn't out yet.) In short, we use behavior bucks and bedtime "tickets". Behavior bucks are redeemable at the prize box and bedtime tickets are good for tv shows the following day, should they be retained by staying in bed.
Ella is a people-pleaser. (Unless those people are her parents, then she doesn't care as much!) But the systems work well for her. She loves to be helpful when that prize she's been eyeing is within reach. The bedtime tickets help her get to bed, but so far we have no real methods for getting her to sleep before 10pm. But she's a LOT like her momma. She stays up late, isn't much of a morning person, doesn't require a ton of sleep on most occasions.
Cassius likes to cheat the system. Circumvent. Work it to his advantage. The challenge with him involves staying in the confines of his slumber station and not asking for food after teeth are sparkling and feet are on the bed. His first system cheating session involved handing over ticket #1 for a hug, banana or toy. Then a refusal. Refusal to turn in ticket #2 when he reappeared 20 minutes later. "I never got back in bed, Daddy."
Touché, kid. Touché.
(This kid is a lot of work. As they all are. But this one requires a touch more brain power sometimes.)
So what's our parenting style?
We definitely aren't helicopter parents. My mom's most well-remembered piece of advice came when she once mentioned, "Kids are capable of so much more than their parent's realize." She was right, ya'll! She understands that kids have to do things for themselves sometimes. Hovering over them, helping with every tiny little detail of life isn't doing them any service.
My kids can do a LOT by themselves.
They don't always want to, but they can.
Get dressed. Check.
Brush teeth. Check.
Go potty. Check.
Buckle into seatbelt. Full check for Ella, 1/2 for Cassius. (He's getting there.)
Clear the table. Check.
Put away your laundry. 3/4 check. (I may assist with sorting and hanger-ing clothes)
You get the point. Check.
It was a few years ago when I decided to introduce the aforementioned chore chart system/behavior bucks, etc. in our household. It went well for a while, but after a few months I was overwhelmed. I spent most of my day checking chore charts, handing out stickers, tracking behavior bucks, etc. I'm tired thinking about it. Too. Much. Work. Way too much.
I had forgotten my mom's advice when shoes were strewn about the floor, coats hanging off chair backs, socks meandering through the dining room to the play room, underwear hanging from lamp shades when guests arrived...
I got overwhelmed. I got pissed. Yup, that's exactly it. P.O.'d TO THE MAX! And when I get PO'dTTM nobody survives. There is hell to pay by all involved and some in the vicinity. If you know me, you know this. It isn't fair in any stretch of the imagination. I'm working on that quirk of my personality. (I honestly am.)
Anyway, I was PO'dTTOM that January morning full of good intentions and New Year's Resolution plans. I was going to get us organized. Charted. On-course. I was going to have less mess in my life. What I ended up with was less mess but more stress and it was my fault for micro-managing my kids.
Today they have to pay the price for not putting their shoes away. The price being not having a clue where they are when it comes time to put them on! Deal with it, kids. Find the closet or go on a shoe-hunt. Your choice. I don't care until you make us late. Then I'm PO'dTTM again, but not so often anymore. Seriously.
Don't get me wrong. We still have chore charts, behavior bucks, bedtime tickets and problems. Kids are a crap-shoot. In all senses of the phrase. If you have kids, you understand that all-too-well.
***
If you don't have kids, or "get" what I'm gettin' at, here's a brief "tangent alert" story to get you in the loop.
When Ella was an infant she was on the changing table, diaper-less. She sneezed and shot poop all over the walls. There. Now you are in the loop. The messy, crappy loop. Welcome.
***
Back to the kids and the chore charts, etc. Like I said, kids are a crap-shoot. Knowing what will work from day to day with each child is your biggest challenge. Need an example? Check out my friend Ashli's Blog, Baby on the Brehm, and read this post. Or this one.
I can't predict if today will be a successful chore chart day or not, but what I can predict is that I have to go with it. I'm not losing behavior bucks, they are. Not. My. Problem. Seriously.
Today's chore charts are simple. The big things. Feed your designated animal. Brush your teeth. Get dressed. Put your dirties in the laundries. (Everything ends in "ies" with a six year old girl in the house.) And it works. Chores get done on a near-daily basis. I'm fine with that.
Helicopter parenting? Not my spot. I might be on the edge of it when it comes to social situations with my kids. I like them to behave, and I hover over that. I think that's ok.
Want my opinion on it? I'm not hip on giving opinions where I'm not an expert. (I'm an expert on zip-zero-zilch, by the way.) In a nutshell, I think kids who are the heli-pad of life never learn to take care of themselves in a highly-productive and responsible way. Yes, they'll learn to brush their own teeth and wipe their own heinies eventually, but they'll rely on others far too much. And their own kids (if they have them someday) will pay the price for them not "knowing" how to do things for themselves. Cook, clean, make decisions and negotiate contracts. Plan things. They just won't "get it" and I think their self-esteem could suffer. Or they could feel so entitled to being waited on that they don't notice how incompetent they are. I'm not an expert. Obviously.
Every kid has their own style. Every parent has their own style. Let them style.
My style is right. Your style is right. Or we're both wrong. God only knows.
Style on, ya'll. Or don't. Whatever works for you.
Ask your parents and grandparents what their parenting "style" was and they'll probably laugh and ask when parenting gained style. Don't we do what works for our kids? Shouldn't we do that at least? I don't know about yours, but my kids are two completely different styles of children. They require variation in parenting methods. My husband is writing in his blog, Midwestern Father, about how some of the tactics we employ with our kids have to be tweaked per the child. (Wait for that blog post, it isn't out yet.) In short, we use behavior bucks and bedtime "tickets". Behavior bucks are redeemable at the prize box and bedtime tickets are good for tv shows the following day, should they be retained by staying in bed.
Ella is a people-pleaser. (Unless those people are her parents, then she doesn't care as much!) But the systems work well for her. She loves to be helpful when that prize she's been eyeing is within reach. The bedtime tickets help her get to bed, but so far we have no real methods for getting her to sleep before 10pm. But she's a LOT like her momma. She stays up late, isn't much of a morning person, doesn't require a ton of sleep on most occasions.
Cassius likes to cheat the system. Circumvent. Work it to his advantage. The challenge with him involves staying in the confines of his slumber station and not asking for food after teeth are sparkling and feet are on the bed. His first system cheating session involved handing over ticket #1 for a hug, banana or toy. Then a refusal. Refusal to turn in ticket #2 when he reappeared 20 minutes later. "I never got back in bed, Daddy."
Touché, kid. Touché.
(This kid is a lot of work. As they all are. But this one requires a touch more brain power sometimes.)
So what's our parenting style?
We definitely aren't helicopter parents. My mom's most well-remembered piece of advice came when she once mentioned, "Kids are capable of so much more than their parent's realize." She was right, ya'll! She understands that kids have to do things for themselves sometimes. Hovering over them, helping with every tiny little detail of life isn't doing them any service.
My kids can do a LOT by themselves.
They don't always want to, but they can.
Get dressed. Check.
Brush teeth. Check.
Go potty. Check.
Buckle into seatbelt. Full check for Ella, 1/2 for Cassius. (He's getting there.)
Clear the table. Check.
Put away your laundry. 3/4 check. (I may assist with sorting and hanger-ing clothes)
You get the point. Check.
It was a few years ago when I decided to introduce the aforementioned chore chart system/behavior bucks, etc. in our household. It went well for a while, but after a few months I was overwhelmed. I spent most of my day checking chore charts, handing out stickers, tracking behavior bucks, etc. I'm tired thinking about it. Too. Much. Work. Way too much.
I had forgotten my mom's advice when shoes were strewn about the floor, coats hanging off chair backs, socks meandering through the dining room to the play room, underwear hanging from lamp shades when guests arrived...
I got overwhelmed. I got pissed. Yup, that's exactly it. P.O.'d TO THE MAX! And when I get PO'dTTM nobody survives. There is hell to pay by all involved and some in the vicinity. If you know me, you know this. It isn't fair in any stretch of the imagination. I'm working on that quirk of my personality. (I honestly am.)
Anyway, I was PO'dTTOM that January morning full of good intentions and New Year's Resolution plans. I was going to get us organized. Charted. On-course. I was going to have less mess in my life. What I ended up with was less mess but more stress and it was my fault for micro-managing my kids.
Today they have to pay the price for not putting their shoes away. The price being not having a clue where they are when it comes time to put them on! Deal with it, kids. Find the closet or go on a shoe-hunt. Your choice. I don't care until you make us late. Then I'm PO'dTTM again, but not so often anymore. Seriously.
Don't get me wrong. We still have chore charts, behavior bucks, bedtime tickets and problems. Kids are a crap-shoot. In all senses of the phrase. If you have kids, you understand that all-too-well.
***
If you don't have kids, or "get" what I'm gettin' at, here's a brief "tangent alert" story to get you in the loop.
When Ella was an infant she was on the changing table, diaper-less. She sneezed and shot poop all over the walls. There. Now you are in the loop. The messy, crappy loop. Welcome.
***
Back to the kids and the chore charts, etc. Like I said, kids are a crap-shoot. Knowing what will work from day to day with each child is your biggest challenge. Need an example? Check out my friend Ashli's Blog, Baby on the Brehm, and read this post. Or this one.
I can't predict if today will be a successful chore chart day or not, but what I can predict is that I have to go with it. I'm not losing behavior bucks, they are. Not. My. Problem. Seriously.
Today's chore charts are simple. The big things. Feed your designated animal. Brush your teeth. Get dressed. Put your dirties in the laundries. (Everything ends in "ies" with a six year old girl in the house.) And it works. Chores get done on a near-daily basis. I'm fine with that.
Helicopter parenting? Not my spot. I might be on the edge of it when it comes to social situations with my kids. I like them to behave, and I hover over that. I think that's ok.
Want my opinion on it? I'm not hip on giving opinions where I'm not an expert. (I'm an expert on zip-zero-zilch, by the way.) In a nutshell, I think kids who are the heli-pad of life never learn to take care of themselves in a highly-productive and responsible way. Yes, they'll learn to brush their own teeth and wipe their own heinies eventually, but they'll rely on others far too much. And their own kids (if they have them someday) will pay the price for them not "knowing" how to do things for themselves. Cook, clean, make decisions and negotiate contracts. Plan things. They just won't "get it" and I think their self-esteem could suffer. Or they could feel so entitled to being waited on that they don't notice how incompetent they are. I'm not an expert. Obviously.
Every kid has their own style. Every parent has their own style. Let them style.
My style is right. Your style is right. Or we're both wrong. God only knows.
Style on, ya'll. Or don't. Whatever works for you.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
It's Everyone's Tree
"I'm sure I will be, honey. What did you do?"
"The big kids told us we couldn't play under the tree because we were little kids. And I told them it's everyone's tree, we can play here if we want!"
Well, there ya go. Proud momma moment. She even let me know that those big kids left. Didn't even want to play under the tree anymore.
Way to go, kid. I AM proud. SO proud.
We've had chats about bullies. Kindergarten and preschool-level chats.
- Be nice to everyone.
- Include everyone.
- If someone is being mean to someone, tell them to be nice and include that kid being picked on.
- Look for kids that are lonely and be their friend.
- Stand up for yourself. From the get-go. Don't get bullied even one time.
- When someone is mean to you don't let them get away with it, not even once.
- Stand up for yourself, but no hitting, kicking, etc.
- Tell a teacher/adult immediately.
- Stand up for yourself and others.
She's at the bottom of the proverbial totem pole right now. Kindergarten. Little kid. Easytobullygrader.
My girl doesn't always exude confidence. She's timid. She's quiet, shy, apprehensive, fearful... a prime target for bullies.
But some days that kid of mine, some days, she's a real tough cookie.
Don't mess with this one. Don't try to take away her tree. She plays with her friends there and you can't tell her otherwise. So scram, big bullies... my girl won't stand for it. And don't try to bully her friends either, because her momma taught her to stand up for herself AND her friends.
Know what else her momma has taught her? To be a friend. To everyone. Because her momma is scared too. This sweet little girl's momma is afraid that someday her little girl will be one of the mean girls. And being a mean girl means living with that forever.
I wasn't one, but I knew some. I know some who were and who regret it. They realize as adults how horrible and degrading they were. How rough that person's life already was without their insults and comments and exclusion added to the mix. They have to live with that forever. I want the choice that Ella makes, that she has to live with for the rest of her life, to be the choice to be a friend. Compliment, include, care.
Maybe that should be our new mantra about bullying.
Compliment, include, care.
Because you know who else needs compliments and inclusion and caring? The bullies. Bullies are mean kids. Why are they mean kids? Someone has been mean to them. Maybe they don't know how to handle social situations. Maybe they are bullied at home. Maybe they just want friends but don't know how to make them. Maybe they need someone to stand up to them and be their friend. To include them. To care.
Remember how I said I am a scared momma? I'm not just scared about what choices Ella will make, I'm worried about the other kids too. I'm worried about the kids that are so picked on and crushed in spirit and beaten down that they take it out on their classmates when they get older.
I'm worried about the kids who are so picked on and crushed in spirit and beaten down that they hate themselves and they take it out on themselves when they get older. I've known some of them.
I'm worried that as kids get cell phones and ipods and gaming systems that they forget how to be a true friend. How to care and listen, give support and be a real and true friend. Through thick and thin. Through differences of opinion and interests. Through distance and time. Real and true friends are hard to come by. I'm worried that kids will become so engrossed in their devices and themselves that they won't even notice the kid that just needs a smile. A friendly wave. An acknowledgement of their existence. I'm worried about that kid that needs someone. Anyone.
"So what is Ella's next lesson?" you ask. Well, her next lesson is going to be to share that tree. Don't run the bullies off. Her answer was spot-on for her first bullying experience. "It's everyone's tree, we can play here if we want to." Next time, I'll teach her to add, "So let's all play under the tree together."
Because It's Everyone's Tree.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Talent from the Heavens
You know how there are those people from high school that once you graduated you figured you might never see again? Even in a town of 432 people, there are some that kind of drop off the face of the earth, never to really be seen or heard from again. There was one of those guys in my art class. He was amazing. Talent from the Heavens this guy had. Even as a student in our middleofnowhere high school you knew there was something special there. He was destined for greatness in the art world.
And as far as I can discern, he's reached some significant level of greatness. It might not be widely known, but he's still great. Last summer he was the speaker at the annual alumni banquet in our hometown. So I went. I never go to that. Why did I go? I'd seen some of his work on his facebook page. But this stuff, I needed to see it in person. You can't truly appreciate any piece of art until you've seen it in person, in my humble and honest opinion.
I went. And I was wowed.
Again. No, still.
Talent from the Heavens. And it has grown and matured and become something so truly magnificent.
This guy right here, he doesn't just find a picture and make a drawing from it. He involves himself in the experience. He goes out to the ranch. He rides the horses and captures the essence of the moments on film. Then he picks just the right images to bring to life with his pencils. Yes, pencils. I know, take the time to go back and look again. Look closely. REALLY close. Yes, that's a pencil drawing.
Need proof?
Here is a progression of another of his drawings...
So who is this mystery man? This incredible talent hidden in the world?
His name is Tim. He does carry with him a somewhat uncanny resemblance to Tim McGraw. I was definitely on the tricked end of this photo at first glance...
When you head to his Riders of the Light Facebook page to like and follow and be a part of something so cool, don't be tricked by this one either...
 |
| "I don't see anything that I do as fantastical or amazing. I just do what I do because I love it, and because I know God has blessed me with a very special gift that I want to use to glorify Him, in the end." - Tim Kliewer |
But I digress...
The work this guy does in his spare time is what I'm still amazed by and jealous of 20+ years removed from that HS art class and the giant SouthWestern something-or-other style of painting he did that caught my breath. Now my breath is catching at these magnificent drawings.
Someday may my breath catch more frequently as I gaze at one hanging on the wall of my office where I write. Because as you all know, I'm a country girl. And this, well this is country art at its very finest.
A Talent from the Heavens.
To top it all off, he knows his Talent from the Heavens really and truly is from God. He's a humble guy. He wants to have his talents go to the glory of our Lord.
True Talent from the Heavens.
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