Lack of Style

My dearest friend from babyhood asked me to consider writing about "helicopter parenting". Hah! I don't have a parenting style, how could I possibly consider writing about parenting styles? 

Ask your parents and grandparents what their parenting "style" was and they'll probably laugh and ask when parenting gained style. Don't we do what works for our kids? Shouldn't we do that at least? I don't know about yours, but my kids are two completely different styles of children. They require variation in parenting methods. My husband is writing in his blog, Midwestern Father, about how some of the tactics we employ with our kids have to be tweaked per the child. (Wait for that blog post, it isn't out yet.) In short, we use behavior bucks and bedtime "tickets". Behavior bucks are redeemable at the prize box and bedtime tickets are good for tv shows the following day, should they be retained by staying in bed. 

Ella is a people-pleaser. (Unless those people are her parents, then she doesn't care as much!) But the systems work well for her. She loves to be helpful when that prize she's been eyeing is within reach. The bedtime tickets help her get to bed, but so far we have no real methods for getting her to sleep before 10pm. But she's a LOT like her momma. She stays up late, isn't much of a morning person, doesn't require a ton of sleep on most occasions. 

Cassius likes to cheat the system. Circumvent. Work it to his advantage. The challenge with him involves staying in the confines of his slumber station and not asking for food after teeth are sparkling and feet are on the bed. His first system cheating session involved handing over ticket #1 for a hug, banana or toy. Then a refusal. Refusal to turn in ticket #2 when he reappeared 20 minutes later. "I never got back in bed, Daddy." 

Touché, kid. Touché. 
(This kid is a lot of work. As they all are. But this one requires a touch more brain power sometimes.) 

So what's our parenting style? 

We definitely aren't helicopter parents. My mom's most well-remembered piece of advice came when she once mentioned, "Kids are capable of so much more than their parent's realize." She was right, ya'll! She understands that kids have to do things for themselves sometimes. Hovering over them, helping with every tiny little detail of life isn't doing them any service. 
My kids can do a LOT by themselves. 
They don't always want to, but they can. 

Get dressed. Check.
Brush teeth. Check.
Go potty. Check.
Buckle into seatbelt. Full check for Ella, 1/2 for Cassius. (He's getting there.)
Clear the table. Check.
Put away your laundry. 3/4 check. (I may assist with sorting and hanger-ing clothes)
You get the point. Check.

It was a few years ago when I decided to introduce the aforementioned chore chart system/behavior bucks, etc. in our household. It went well for a while, but after a few months I was overwhelmed. I spent most of my day checking chore charts, handing out stickers, tracking behavior bucks, etc. I'm tired thinking about it. Too. Much. Work. Way too much.


I had forgotten my mom's advice when shoes were strewn about the floor, coats hanging off chair backs, socks meandering through the dining room to the play room, underwear hanging from lamp shades when guests arrived... 

I got overwhelmed. I got pissed. Yup, that's exactly it. P.O.'d TO THE MAX! And when I get PO'dTTM nobody survives. There is hell to pay by all involved and some in the vicinity. If you know me, you know this. It isn't fair in any stretch of the imagination. I'm working on that quirk of my personality. (I honestly am.) 

Anyway, I was PO'dTTOM that January morning full of good intentions and New Year's Resolution plans. I was going to get us organized. Charted. On-course. I was going to have less mess in my life. What I ended up with was less mess but more stress and it was my fault for micro-managing my kids. 

Today they have to pay the price for not putting their shoes away. The price being not having a clue where they are when it comes time to put them on! Deal with it, kids. Find the closet or go on a shoe-hunt. Your choice. I don't care until you make us late. Then I'm PO'dTTM again, but not so often anymore. Seriously. 

Don't get me wrong. We still have chore charts, behavior bucks, bedtime tickets and problems. Kids are a crap-shoot. In all senses of the phrase. If you have kids, you understand that all-too-well. 

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If you don't have kids, or "get" what I'm gettin' at, here's a brief "tangent alert" story to get you in the loop.

When Ella was an infant she was on the changing table, diaper-less. She sneezed and shot poop all over the walls. There. Now you are in the loop. The messy, crappy loop. Welcome.
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Back to the kids and the chore charts, etc. Like I said, kids are a crap-shoot. Knowing what will work from day to day with each child is your biggest challenge. Need an example? Check out my friend Ashli's Blog, Baby on the Brehm, and read this post. Or this one. 

I can't predict if today will be a successful chore chart day or not, but what I can predict is that I have to go with it. I'm not losing behavior bucks, they are. Not. My. Problem. Seriously. 

Today's chore charts are simple. The big things. Feed your designated animal. Brush your teeth. Get dressed. Put your dirties in the laundries. (Everything ends in "ies" with a  six year old girl in the house.) And it works. Chores get done on a near-daily basis. I'm fine with that. 

Helicopter parenting? Not my spot. I might be on the edge of it when it comes to social situations with my kids. I like them to behave, and I hover over that. I think that's ok. 

Want my opinion on it? I'm not hip on giving opinions where I'm not an expert. (I'm an expert on zip-zero-zilch, by the way.) In a nutshell, I think kids who are the heli-pad of life never learn to take care of themselves in a highly-productive and responsible way. Yes, they'll learn to brush their own teeth and wipe their own heinies eventually, but they'll rely on others far too much. And their own kids (if they have them someday) will pay the price for them not "knowing" how to do things for themselves. Cook, clean, make decisions and negotiate contracts. Plan things. They just won't "get it" and I think their self-esteem could suffer. Or they could feel so entitled to being waited on that they don't notice how incompetent they are. I'm not an expert. Obviously.

Every kid has their own style. Every parent has their own style. Let them style. 

My style is right. Your style is right. Or we're both wrong. God only knows.

Style on, ya'll. Or don't. Whatever works for you.