Brokenhearted and Crushed in Spirit

My daughter made me cry today. Have you had that day yet? The feeling of overwhelming sadness caused by the look of, of… gosh, I don’t even have the words to describe it. I felt like I was in Jr. High, except her friends were nice to me.

Since the day she started Kindergarten a month + ago I haven’t shed a tear over her getting bigger and growing up and not needing me. I’ve been a little nostalgic, sure. I’ve been proud on many occasions. This child is afraid of her shadow, so when someone wants her to walk with them in walking club and she jumps at the chance, barely remembering to say “goodbye, love you”, it tugs at the ol’ tear ducts and heart strings in both those special ways kids do. But this was different. She did NOT want me there. Period.

I’m still fighting back tears as I recall today’s lunch visit to her school. I was excited. The idea that her little face would light up, she would excitedly jump up and say “momma!” and pull me into line beside her was all I had imagined would happen. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine my mini-me, my angel, my sweet-sweet girl ignoring me. Scurrying through the line and avoiding my questions. To not say ANYthing to me. To barely acknowledge I was there and then finally utter the words, “I just want you to go home.” I’m crying again as I type. What happened to my little girl? She was nervous, fidgety, quiet and… ashamed? Embarrassed? I don’t know.

I do know how brokenhearted I am. It’s silly. It’s a kindergarten lunch period with a shy child. I have to get over it. God gives us direction in every step of our lives. So what is he telling me now?

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

So I’m baking her chocolate chip cookies. With oatmeal. Just like she asked me to. Because I still love her and I want to remind her of that. I want her to know. Always. Always and forever. I’ll be patient, kind, humble, gentle and patient. I’ll forgive and I’ll love. 

I can’t let her rejection of my presence at her lunch table turn me away from her. Of course that would never happen. She’s my baby. I’ll love her forever. She loves me enough to be honest with me and tell me how she feels. I was told once that you know you’ve done a good job raising your children when the teacher tells you how wonderful they are in class and you wonder who’s child you are discussing. “They express themselves honestly at home because they are comfortable in your presence and trust you to continue to love them despite their words or actions.”

So I’m going to ask her about it and I’m going to take her words in stride. I’m going to leave the conversation with a better understanding of how she works and how I can be a better mom for the individual she is. Because while I know how brokenhearted and crushed in spirit I feel, she may be just as brokenhearted in another way, for another reason. And I owe it to her and myself to find that out and help us both through this tear-filled day. I need to be near her, and she to me.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

So today we will step back, sit down, relax and visit about the day’s events. Get to the root of the issue and make changes. Positive changes. We’ll work together to make things better.  

Don’t we all need someone like that in our life? Someone to confide in, to ask direction and take constructive criticism from. God gives us those people as we need them so we can come to better understand our roles in this life. Today’s guidance lesson came from a 6 year-old girl. Tomorrow my direction and feedback, honesty and criticism to build a stronger me may come from a 36 year­-old mom of three who wants to help me while I reach for my dream and goal.

Look for those people God has placed in your life. The ones who will sit down, relax and visit with you honestly about your progress towards your goal in this life. Someone who can identify your weaknesses and help you overcome them as well as spotlight your strengths and encourage their growth.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Dear Heavenly Father, 
We thank you for the tears we shed and the lessons we learn. To live our lives most fully in Your honor, we must learn to take the hard times and turn them into growth opportunities for ourselves. We are so blessed by the gifts you’ve given us and the goals we are setting before ourselves. We thank you for the friends you have set in our paths already who help us earn a good return for our work and who can help us up when we fall. We ask you to guide us to more of those individuals who will best encourage and guide us in the use of those gifts to your glory.
Amen